Tag Archives: random

Self Experiment in Time: The Selfish Zone

20 Aug

I’ve been told I’m many things.  This one really struck me as it wasn’t really about me, but about where I am with relationships.  I give, I care for others, I know I’m not selfish, but is there a truth in it that keeps me from having a meaningful relationship with a woman?

Someone told me I was in a selfish zone.  This was explained to me as: all my time was focused on me, and that I didn’t share it with others and that is why I’m single, or most likely one of many reasons. I didn’t give enough of my time to the pursuit of social happiness which leads to socially finding a mate. I just don’t have meaningful time not worrying about what I’m doing and what I am doing next.  This is surviving in civilized/corporate world.

If time is my relationship killing enemy then I will need to find more of it.  24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, 100 years in a life (if you are lucky enough to have avoided swimming with sharks).

I can’t add any time to any day in my life, so let us analyze how I use the time given to me. Work and sleep take probably 95% of Monday through Friday.  Sleep, Movies/TV/Videogames, Drinking, Sunning, Eating take up 95% of Saturday through Sunday.  I am already easily missing Museums, Shopping (both clothes and grocery), Reading which should comprise of a good portion of my time.

In reality what was my day like…

Work Day:

Midnight – 7AM – Sleeping, Wakeup, Peeing, Water, Tossing, Turning, Sleeping

7AM – 9AM – Wake Up, Get out of bed, Running/Sleeping-more/TV, Shower, Dress, Sit in Car

9:30AM – 1PM – Work, Make Calls, Take Notes, Sell, Service, Try Not To Suck, Work

1PM – Lunch: 60% Personal (75% clearing my head, 25% social) 40% Work

2:30PM – 8PM: Work, Bathroom, Meeting, Calls, Almost Done Trying not to Suck, Work

8:30PM – 10PM: 50% Work Drinks, 25% Exercise, 25% Depressurize at home, alone.

11:00PM – 11:30PM: Brush Teeth, Bathroom Finale, Night Guard (stress), Mask, Fans, Bed

11:30PM – next day: Sleeping, Wakeup, Peeing, Water, Tossing, Turning, Sleeping

That was exhausting!  I’ll break down what kind of “free hours” I have in my work week, or maybe someone reading can do that.  please

Weekend:

Lets see what it is like this weekend.  Though it can vary it is really what this weekend will be. Sleeping, Watching TV/Movies, Eating.  I’m thinking 70% of my time. We shall see. (Cold Fire it isn’t)

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Self Experimenting – Fake Viagra

7 Aug

I’ve recently started dating to try to add depth to my life. And when I say dating I mean taking girls out for drinks and expecting to sleep with them. I am old fashioned in the sense that I think you should take a girl out to dinner and a movie and woo them several times before you sleep with them. But I really think that if I had sex I would be happier, and I really don’t want to delay that. So without being aggressive, I’ve been trying to have sex.

I haven’t had sex in a year. And in the last two years I have only had sex twice. Both times are good stories I hope to share at some point.

Last night I thought sex was a sure thing. The girl had asked me to go to drinks after hanging out with her two times, the first I got her really drunk and in my bed but didn’t have sex. She didn’t want to and I was a little afraid to. It has been a long time. That was 2 months ago.

In that time I was flipping through a Maxim ad, the ones in the back that are all about sex and how to enhance it to perform like models or porn stars. I didn’t know you could order prescription drugs online.

I ordered fake viagra called Filagra. 2 two weeks later it came to my apartment in a small white non de-script envelope. I happened to be home from work to sign for it, I am never home from work. Already an exciting sign.

The pills came from India, I looked them up online and being an experimental guy decided I might use them.

Last night before going out I cut out a chewable banana flavored Filagra, just in case. I put it in my pocket with a 3 pack of Trojans. This pretty much guaranteed no sex for me. I guess it is a psychological and subconscious fuckover that happens. Because you think you will have sex, you do everything possible to turn the girl off and screw up any chance you had. I even texted a buddy that I was going to get in there. Triple Jinx.

Now I don’t have a problem getting an erection.  I thought these Indian pills would help me recover and stay in the game. Again it had been a long time and the mind really controls the body, including my penis.

At the bar, we are about to leave after having a really good time (lie), it was an okay time. Pretty much me listening to her while wishing and hoping I didn’t say anything stupid to ruin where the night was leading. It was looking good, surprise.

By the way, I realized something while talking to this woman. Everyone knows about beer goggles. Everyone knows what they can do to normal/unattractive women. I realized last night what they can do to a very attractive and confident women. It makes them super women, super models. They begin to glow and makes it hard to concentrate on anything else but how hot they have become. It is very distracting and hard to follow the conversation. At this point it is time to leave.

In the bar’s bathroom, I briefly debate on what this pill I ordered from India would do to me. With no FDA regulations and no hard evidence it wouldn’t stop my heart or send me to the ER with a pulsating never ending erection, I popped it out and chewed it. Any guys knows that if you can make sex better you did it at all costs. Everyone makes bad decisions when drinking, especially when you think with your dick, no matter how flaccid it is.

We end up in front of her place, in my car, continuing to chat. Chatting way too long while her nice apartment is only steps away gets me thinking. Why girls don’t understand what guys want to do at the end of the date is strange. At least we think that, but in reality women do and they are just as awkward about it as we are.

I invite myself up for a drink, a bold move but one I think she likes. Or maybe she is just annoyed. We don’t totally click but there is some sort of chemistry which I believe is the desperation of sex. We both need it and we both know it. But our need for sex doesn’t draw us together, just makes the possibility of first time sex weirder.

We end up watching TV, not my recommendation. I make an uncharacteristically rude comment, more sarcasm than rude but it kills the night. We politely watch TV for the next hour, I try to kiss her and is reminded about my comments, and an hour later I excuse myself.

We strangely make out at the door before I drive away. This just makes me wonder if I fucked up and I still could have slept with her. I hate how much I think.

The whole time I don’t feel much change in my body, and am actually not even thinking about the Indian drugs trying to fill my penis. I don’t really know how Viagra works, but this stuff doesn’t give you an instant erection. I drive home curious and almost excited about masturbating. I enjoy it. What will this pill do? I wanted to self experiment with the pill before trying it out live with a woman, so I would know what to expect. Boy am I lucky she rejected me, or I rejected myself, I still don’t know what happened. I’m a pussy.

At home in bed I start watching some porn. Trying to masturbate without it would be a disaster because I would think of the epic fail that just occurred and would end up crying myself to sleep.

It was good but not great. Fully erect it wasn’t bigger or stronger. Just there. It went well, it was normal.

In the middle of the night I woke up my heart racing, sinuses backed up, headache. The side effects hit. I knew about the heart racing, but it was frightening. What if I had a heart attack, most guys that die of a heart attack from Viagra or fake Viagra are with a woman at the time. Someone to save them or report the death to the police. I had no one. Can you imagine after 3-4 days, the time I think someone would break down my door looking for me, (no comment on whether that is a good or bad amount of time), they would find me with an empty Viagra pill case in my pocket and a sock around my now shriveled dick. That scared the shit out of me. It didn’t really, but did depress me a bit.

I grabbed some water and went back to bed.

In the morning my heart was normal and I was horny again. Decided to try another go at it while it was in my system but without the porn. Who to fantasise about? After thinking through a couple past sex sessions, I landed on the girl from last night. The truly extreme fantasy that she would call me up and wanted me to come over that morning and have sex with her. The sex would be great.

I was strangely hard the entire time. My mind drifts a lot, and when I masturbate without porn I get distracted and usually think of either other girls or weird shit. It usually takes another girl to pop into my head, forming a nice threesome to get me back on track. Not this time. As my mind drifted I stayed hard.

What a revelation! The Indian stuff works. Aside from the heart racing and allergic reaction this could prove helpful to girls wanting to have multiple sex sessions with me.

The night was a success and I didn’t have to wake up to annoying morning small talk.