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7 Mar

How long can you last without feeling genuine love?  It feeds the soul and sustains a level or normalcy that is needed to survive the day to day shit of life.  Our lives are easy, we deal with work we don’t like, fear the fading of health and aging. Violence surrounds us on a variety of extremes which we discuss and avoid the best we can. Outside of friends and family that you love and would do anything for, who do you love?

I’m emotionally devoid of love and try everyday to suppress the feeling of its necessity. It is out of our control.  We don’t chose who we love but why can’t we find those that will fulfill it. A large percentage of society is either in a relationship or married. Why not me? Why not you? Why aren’t they in love.

I want to feel something.  I want to be moved.  Who is that person that is going to do that? Is it me that needs to change, open up to allow those feelings? Is it that other person that will surprise me with their idiosyncrasies and skewed outlook on life that will effect me?  Am I selfish?

The feeling we had falling in obsessive high school love that first time, why does it diminish and disappear overtime? Broken Hearts? When we fall in love and the person crushes us by leaving, cheating etc spiraling us into longing.  Is that what leaves us empty.

Is it all of us or is it just a few? Is it just me?

I know I’ll give back endlessly, I hope I will. I want to connect with someone on the “soulmate” level.  I want everyone to have this feeling.  It will lead to a fulfilled life we all should share.

Sharing moments in bed close to the one you trust and love are not to be taken for granted.  If even for a short period, enjoy them, appreciate them. Their puriety won’t last forever, and if they do, you are the luckiest couple in the world.

Why do I crave it? As it been to long or do I really need it to help me get through life?

Why is it all to hard? It could be harder.

Where is she?


Self Experiment in Time: The Selfish Zone

20 Aug

I’ve been told I’m many things.  This one really struck me as it wasn’t really about me, but about where I am with relationships.  I give, I care for others, I know I’m not selfish, but is there a truth in it that keeps me from having a meaningful relationship with a woman?

Someone told me I was in a selfish zone.  This was explained to me as: all my time was focused on me, and that I didn’t share it with others and that is why I’m single, or most likely one of many reasons. I didn’t give enough of my time to the pursuit of social happiness which leads to socially finding a mate. I just don’t have meaningful time not worrying about what I’m doing and what I am doing next.  This is surviving in civilized/corporate world.

If time is my relationship killing enemy then I will need to find more of it.  24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, 100 years in a life (if you are lucky enough to have avoided swimming with sharks).

I can’t add any time to any day in my life, so let us analyze how I use the time given to me. Work and sleep take probably 95% of Monday through Friday.  Sleep, Movies/TV/Videogames, Drinking, Sunning, Eating take up 95% of Saturday through Sunday.  I am already easily missing Museums, Shopping (both clothes and grocery), Reading which should comprise of a good portion of my time.

In reality what was my day like…

Work Day:

Midnight – 7AM – Sleeping, Wakeup, Peeing, Water, Tossing, Turning, Sleeping

7AM – 9AM – Wake Up, Get out of bed, Running/Sleeping-more/TV, Shower, Dress, Sit in Car

9:30AM – 1PM – Work, Make Calls, Take Notes, Sell, Service, Try Not To Suck, Work

1PM – Lunch: 60% Personal (75% clearing my head, 25% social) 40% Work

2:30PM – 8PM: Work, Bathroom, Meeting, Calls, Almost Done Trying not to Suck, Work

8:30PM – 10PM: 50% Work Drinks, 25% Exercise, 25% Depressurize at home, alone.

11:00PM – 11:30PM: Brush Teeth, Bathroom Finale, Night Guard (stress), Mask, Fans, Bed

11:30PM – next day: Sleeping, Wakeup, Peeing, Water, Tossing, Turning, Sleeping

That was exhausting!  I’ll break down what kind of “free hours” I have in my work week, or maybe someone reading can do that.  please


Lets see what it is like this weekend.  Though it can vary it is really what this weekend will be. Sleeping, Watching TV/Movies, Eating.  I’m thinking 70% of my time. We shall see. (Cold Fire it isn’t)

Self Experiment – Craigslist Hookups update 2

12 Aug

I’ve waiting a couple days hoping for some exciting responses back to my craigslist experimental emails.  I send a couple pics I thought would be decent and non embarrassing responses.  Hoping for some explicit pictures sent back to me I log onto my email account.

8 email responses!  Score!

After reading through all of the responses, I realized I wasted my time.  All “women” wanted me to log onto some adult-sex-matching website to find them.  What was I missing? I thought I already found them on craigslist.  My initial European girl that emailed me right away wanted me to go to the website to get her phone number.  I did.  She wasn’t on the website, so I emailed her again. Surprise! She emailed me back.  She told me her account must have expired and to find her on another site.  I’m no dummy, this is a setup. I didn’t go to that site and didn’t email her back, even though she was attractive…ish.

If I had any readers of this blog I would ask if I should continue the experiment until I made it so far to meet someone.  I will leave you with a snippit of the original European woman’s email…

“hey again – I am interested in something thats long term, NSA. I kinda want to keep this discreet – my ex-boyfriend is kinda a psycho ever since we broke up. haha.. 3.5 year relationship. Anyways.. I don’t know if I told you or not yet, I have a daughter who is 22 months old, but she will always be sleeping by the time you come over…

This is my first time doing this kinda thing online – so Im kinda iffy about it.

I dont use any messengers – only one that I use at work…

i was hoping we could stay in contact from a free site if your interested in making it long term…. my profile is at …. my profile name on there is “sexcbebe5964” I have my cell phone number on there – if you want to send me a text and we could get together tonight or tomorrow night – that would be great…. im signing off the computer now though, hope to hear from you.

I guess I am promoting the website by including it here, but you have been warned, the website is a waste of time.  Back to “normal dating”.

Self Experiment – Craigslist Hookups update 1

9 Aug

Got my first reply from a good looking European girl. We sent a couple emails back and forth, till she told me to email her through a dating website. She also said she had crazy ex-boyfriend so we needed to be discreet. But that shouldn’t be a problem because her 22 month child would be asleep by the time I got over.

Lets see. A Russian girl from craigslist wants me to come over at night to nail her, but we can’t wake the baby up and there will always be the threat of a psycho boyfriend/father coming over and killing me? Not what I am looking for.

Another girl emailed me saying she loves to give blow jobs but I would need to find her through some adult friend finder site.

Looks like craigslist isn’t a supply of easy/casual encounters, but full of plants from dating websites. (Also I think some are selling themselves but I haven’t run into them yet) I will post any updates on responses back but I think it is going to lead no where. Which is a very good thing.

Self Experiment – Craigslist Hookups

9 Aug

I created an email account to test out the casual relationships section of craigslist.  I figure I haven’t hooked up in a while and there are plenty of people out there looking for easy no strings attached fun.  Sending pics in exchange for pics on their side.

There are actually a lot of people online looking to do this.  I decide to email girls 20-30.  Nothing to crazy or desperate.  All girls in the casual section want pics and a little description, I just send pics and wait and see.  Some girls need big cocks, some haven’t done it before, some claim they are hot and lonely.  None post their own pics or names.

I sent about 15 emails out.  Can’t wait to see if they send pics back, if they are real, and if they are looking for money. I’m not sure I will go through with it, but I if you want a discrete relationship you can’t use Facebook and your friends, the AdultFriendfinder type websites are expensive.  So here I am, not getting sex, trying to find random lonely women.

I hope this is safe.

Self Experimenting – Fake Viagra

7 Aug

I’ve recently started dating to try to add depth to my life. And when I say dating I mean taking girls out for drinks and expecting to sleep with them. I am old fashioned in the sense that I think you should take a girl out to dinner and a movie and woo them several times before you sleep with them. But I really think that if I had sex I would be happier, and I really don’t want to delay that. So without being aggressive, I’ve been trying to have sex.

I haven’t had sex in a year. And in the last two years I have only had sex twice. Both times are good stories I hope to share at some point.

Last night I thought sex was a sure thing. The girl had asked me to go to drinks after hanging out with her two times, the first I got her really drunk and in my bed but didn’t have sex. She didn’t want to and I was a little afraid to. It has been a long time. That was 2 months ago.

In that time I was flipping through a Maxim ad, the ones in the back that are all about sex and how to enhance it to perform like models or porn stars. I didn’t know you could order prescription drugs online.

I ordered fake viagra called Filagra. 2 two weeks later it came to my apartment in a small white non de-script envelope. I happened to be home from work to sign for it, I am never home from work. Already an exciting sign.

The pills came from India, I looked them up online and being an experimental guy decided I might use them.

Last night before going out I cut out a chewable banana flavored Filagra, just in case. I put it in my pocket with a 3 pack of Trojans. This pretty much guaranteed no sex for me. I guess it is a psychological and subconscious fuckover that happens. Because you think you will have sex, you do everything possible to turn the girl off and screw up any chance you had. I even texted a buddy that I was going to get in there. Triple Jinx.

Now I don’t have a problem getting an erection.  I thought these Indian pills would help me recover and stay in the game. Again it had been a long time and the mind really controls the body, including my penis.

At the bar, we are about to leave after having a really good time (lie), it was an okay time. Pretty much me listening to her while wishing and hoping I didn’t say anything stupid to ruin where the night was leading. It was looking good, surprise.

By the way, I realized something while talking to this woman. Everyone knows about beer goggles. Everyone knows what they can do to normal/unattractive women. I realized last night what they can do to a very attractive and confident women. It makes them super women, super models. They begin to glow and makes it hard to concentrate on anything else but how hot they have become. It is very distracting and hard to follow the conversation. At this point it is time to leave.

In the bar’s bathroom, I briefly debate on what this pill I ordered from India would do to me. With no FDA regulations and no hard evidence it wouldn’t stop my heart or send me to the ER with a pulsating never ending erection, I popped it out and chewed it. Any guys knows that if you can make sex better you did it at all costs. Everyone makes bad decisions when drinking, especially when you think with your dick, no matter how flaccid it is.

We end up in front of her place, in my car, continuing to chat. Chatting way too long while her nice apartment is only steps away gets me thinking. Why girls don’t understand what guys want to do at the end of the date is strange. At least we think that, but in reality women do and they are just as awkward about it as we are.

I invite myself up for a drink, a bold move but one I think she likes. Or maybe she is just annoyed. We don’t totally click but there is some sort of chemistry which I believe is the desperation of sex. We both need it and we both know it. But our need for sex doesn’t draw us together, just makes the possibility of first time sex weirder.

We end up watching TV, not my recommendation. I make an uncharacteristically rude comment, more sarcasm than rude but it kills the night. We politely watch TV for the next hour, I try to kiss her and is reminded about my comments, and an hour later I excuse myself.

We strangely make out at the door before I drive away. This just makes me wonder if I fucked up and I still could have slept with her. I hate how much I think.

The whole time I don’t feel much change in my body, and am actually not even thinking about the Indian drugs trying to fill my penis. I don’t really know how Viagra works, but this stuff doesn’t give you an instant erection. I drive home curious and almost excited about masturbating. I enjoy it. What will this pill do? I wanted to self experiment with the pill before trying it out live with a woman, so I would know what to expect. Boy am I lucky she rejected me, or I rejected myself, I still don’t know what happened. I’m a pussy.

At home in bed I start watching some porn. Trying to masturbate without it would be a disaster because I would think of the epic fail that just occurred and would end up crying myself to sleep.

It was good but not great. Fully erect it wasn’t bigger or stronger. Just there. It went well, it was normal.

In the middle of the night I woke up my heart racing, sinuses backed up, headache. The side effects hit. I knew about the heart racing, but it was frightening. What if I had a heart attack, most guys that die of a heart attack from Viagra or fake Viagra are with a woman at the time. Someone to save them or report the death to the police. I had no one. Can you imagine after 3-4 days, the time I think someone would break down my door looking for me, (no comment on whether that is a good or bad amount of time), they would find me with an empty Viagra pill case in my pocket and a sock around my now shriveled dick. That scared the shit out of me. It didn’t really, but did depress me a bit.

I grabbed some water and went back to bed.

In the morning my heart was normal and I was horny again. Decided to try another go at it while it was in my system but without the porn. Who to fantasise about? After thinking through a couple past sex sessions, I landed on the girl from last night. The truly extreme fantasy that she would call me up and wanted me to come over that morning and have sex with her. The sex would be great.

I was strangely hard the entire time. My mind drifts a lot, and when I masturbate without porn I get distracted and usually think of either other girls or weird shit. It usually takes another girl to pop into my head, forming a nice threesome to get me back on track. Not this time. As my mind drifted I stayed hard.

What a revelation! The Indian stuff works. Aside from the heart racing and allergic reaction this could prove helpful to girls wanting to have multiple sex sessions with me.

The night was a success and I didn’t have to wake up to annoying morning small talk.