7 Mar

How long can you last without feeling genuine love?  It feeds the soul and sustains a level or normalcy that is needed to survive the day to day shit of life.  Our lives are easy, we deal with work we don’t like, fear the fading of health and aging. Violence surrounds us on a variety of extremes which we discuss and avoid the best we can. Outside of friends and family that you love and would do anything for, who do you love?

I’m emotionally devoid of love and try everyday to suppress the feeling of its necessity. It is out of our control.  We don’t chose who we love but why can’t we find those that will fulfill it. A large percentage of society is either in a relationship or married. Why not me? Why not you? Why aren’t they in love.

I want to feel something.  I want to be moved.  Who is that person that is going to do that? Is it me that needs to change, open up to allow those feelings? Is it that other person that will surprise me with their idiosyncrasies and skewed outlook on life that will effect me?  Am I selfish?

The feeling we had falling in obsessive high school love that first time, why does it diminish and disappear overtime? Broken Hearts? When we fall in love and the person crushes us by leaving, cheating etc spiraling us into longing.  Is that what leaves us empty.

Is it all of us or is it just a few? Is it just me?

I know I’ll give back endlessly, I hope I will. I want to connect with someone on the “soulmate” level.  I want everyone to have this feeling.  It will lead to a fulfilled life we all should share.

Sharing moments in bed close to the one you trust and love are not to be taken for granted.  If even for a short period, enjoy them, appreciate them. Their puriety won’t last forever, and if they do, you are the luckiest couple in the world.

Why do I crave it? As it been to long or do I really need it to help me get through life?

Why is it all to hard? It could be harder.

Where is she?


#Eclipse – One in a Million

21 Dec

the Humbling

A week ago I had no knowledge of the significance of this evening.  Solstice Lunar Ecplise meant nothing to me. Waking up this morning I figured I would spend the evening in front of the tube watching TV.  Though throughout the day I realized the importance of December 21, 2010, a day an astronomical event was visible to the naked eye that hadn’t happened in 456 (tweatbeat), 372 (, 632 (huffingtonpost), 632 (Dr. Tony Phillips),  372 ( 372 (wikipedia) years.

Tonight I look up at the sky, watching the bright diamond shimmering moon light up the sky. As the dark shadow engulfs the moon we crane our necks.  We as a city, state, country, race, world.  We look up at they sky and watch Live via the internet.  As event that hasn’t happened for centuries we look up in awe. At what lies above us, wishing that there is something out there, something beyond what we know.  We believe it, or want to believe.  Praying up at a rock circling our planet for a sign that there is purpose in our lives and reason why we are living on this planet, three rocks from the sun in our galaxy somewhere in the universe.

The shadow consumes the last sliver of silver around the circle in the sky. And it goes dark, but not for too long.  A red glow comes from the bottom of the moon and then pulsates around the globe.  It is amazing.

Watching above I know that it is we that are special, for all we will ever know we are alone on this planet and we don’t realize we are the miracle, we are the special beings touched with the spark to look up and view an amazing galactic event, the alignment of the source of our life, the sun, the earth of the planet under our feet that we survive on and the dead rock that circles us.  Everything is in perfect alignment with us in the middle, we are the center of our universes, only us. And by god we are special and we all don’t know it.

Every once in a while look up into the depths of the sky and let it humble you.

Don’t wait to ask these questions to the ones you love…

1 Oct

1) When did you know when you were in love?

2) Are you happy with your life?

3) Did you raise me the way you wanted to?

4) What was your favorite day?

5) What is your favorite memory?

6) Did you accomplish everything?

7) Did I love you enough?

eight) Do believe in a higher power?

9) Where will you go when you die?

10) Where will I?

11) Did you eat enough?

12) Did you work hard enough?

13) Did you protect those you love?

14) What fights do you wish you won?

15) Which fights do you wish you fought?

16) Who was your first love?

17) What was your worst breakup?

18) What is your favorite memory of me?

19) What shouldn’t I have done in my life?

20) What should I have done in my life?

21) Are you proud of me?

22)  What was your favorite meal?

23) What was your favorite city?

24) Who was your first kiss?

25) Who taught you to drive?

26) Who taught you how to swim?

27) Who gave you the best advice in your life?

28) What was that advice?

29) What advice do you wish you gave me?

30) What advice can you give me now?

31) What was your favorite vacation?

32) Where didn’t you get to go?

33)  Do you believe in government?

34) Where did society go wrong?

35) Where did it go right?

36) Do you believe in intelligent life other than ours?

37) Who shot JFK?

38) Were the Moon landings real?

39) Have you ever seen a UFO?

40) Do you know anyone that has?

41) What was your saddest moment?

42) When did you last cry?

43) Who do you wish you could have comforted?

44) What was your favorite party?

45) What music did you like?

46) What were your favorite movies?

47) What were your favorite books?

48) What book did you read the most times?

49) What movie did you watch the most?

50) Did you ever have one night stands?

51) Did you ever have an STD?

52) Did you want children?

53) Do you wish you told your parents you loved them enough?

54) Have you ever cheated on a test?

55) Have you ever cheated while in a relationship?

56) What was your biggest fear?

57) What truly scared you?

58) What do you wish you learned?

59) What do you wish you did?

Did you ever wait too long to tell someone you loved them?

Looking for Love: and the lists we shouldn’t create

24 Sep

If you make a list of attributes you are looking for in your “true love”, you will find that you are looking for the female/male version of yourself, and that list is the opposite of what you should be looking for . Take that list, invert it and you will find the person who is right for you. Opposites do attract and you will challenge yourself for the rest of your life.

You get to an age when you start to question your life and it is my hope that this happens when you first start to think.  This can happen at any age but the earlier the better.  I wonder if human’s start to think when they start to speak?  For me I think it happens when we are taught the word why.

I’ve been analyzing why I am single.  I don’t want to be or least I don’t think I want to be.  Inherently no human wants to be alone.  We thrive in groups, we grow in our relationships and interactions with others. I personally was taught in high school that physical human touch makes us happier.  We need each other.  We need our families, our friends and our lovers.

I have a great family, there is no better family in the world and I hope everyone thinks that.  I don’t believe everyone thinks that, but I hope so.  Could my family be better?  It could be different but I wouldn’t want that, I wouldn’t want to change what we have in any way.

I have amazing friends, they are supportive, fun and help me cope with day to day life by sharing it with me.

But I do not have a partner in life.  Maybe I have had that at certain points in my life but I do not have that now and I haven’t had it for a while.  As I get older that person become more elusive and the chances of finding her are slimmer. Very pessimistic thinking, which only leads me farther down the pit of loneliness.  I almost wrote the pit of despair, but then I would be quoting the best love story of all time.

People are asked what they are looking for in a lover, a soul mate, a husband, a fiancée, a wife, a life partner all the time. Answers obviously vary upon the person. They can range from physical traits, to social status, monetary accumulation, astrological signs, ownership of domestic animals, tastes in art, participation in outdoor activities, need for creation of life, intake of fluids, inhalation of smoke, etc.

My list was very specific for my whole life and it continued to grow.  I don’t like to get personal but I will make a list below and it may or may not be mine.  At the end of it, (which I may come back to add things as I remember them or find them) I will sum up what I have realized is all I need.  The basic formula for my own compatibility with a female.

MY RIDICULOUS LIST OF PERFECTION – Blond, Big Tits, not too fat, not too skinny, great smile, great laugh, smart, witty, friendly, loves movies, loves TV, loves books, loves puzzles, loves games, has a great family, has wonderful friends, loves dogs and not cats, enjoys the outdoors but isn’t obsessed, sophisticated but not snooty, not too tall, not too short, around my height, a burning fire in their soul for life and love, enjoys but isn’t obsessed with sports and a general understanding is fine, not too introverted and not too extroverted, loves the water, world traveler or passionately wants to, likes to fly and stay in hotels…I can’t continue making this list because I feel it is embarrassing me.

All I need is someone that doesn’t annoy me, while challenging me and sparking my life.  If you think this statement is profound or what we all should be looking for you are wrong.  I realize this only from writing it.  What it should read, and what I truely believe is…

We should challenge each other, we should light up each other’s souls in every and all ways humanly and unhumanly possible, and all the while not truly annoying each other.

I probably should end with that, but the reason why I wanted to share my thoughts on this subject came to me after having sex.  The moment you know you love someone happens after sex.  If your gut reaction isn’t to get as far away as possible from the person you just slept with, then you might have found someone to love.


24 Sep

What I have learned from life and my parents

– If don’t believe in anything, you’ll fall for anything. “sucker punch?”

– You can’t love something that hasn’t happened

– It is better to feel skinny than be skinny.

– I may or may not be smart, but I am not smart enough to lie.

– Lying is not a smart thing to do if you have a bad memory.

– Kill them with kindness only gets you so far in life, but you will lead an easier life.

– Its not the end when you lose everything you have in life, its the beginning.

– The best word in any language is the word “why”. Why? Because it is infinite and can never be answered, try.

– Don’t own more music than you can listen to.

– If you make a list of attributes you are looking for in your “true love”, you will find that you are looking for the female/male version of yourself, and that list is the opposite of what you should be looking for . Take that list, invert it and you will find the person who is right for you. Opposites do attract and you will challenge yourself for the rest of your lives.

– The moment you know you love someone happens after sex.

Pyramid – Part One

22 Aug

The people in my apartment complex have always been rude to me and I’m never sure why that is.  My girlfriend and I don’t have loud sex, we don’t throw parties, and we watch TV at low levels so we don’t upset Early.  Early is my girlfriend’s wonderful parrot that wakes us up when the sun rises, squawking “I’m full, I’m full, I’m full”,  She gets out of bed and feeds it,  we have sex when she returns and we go back to bed.  That is the only time we have sex so I guess I should like the annoying animal, but it is just so damn loud.  She had Early when I moved in 2 years ago, and Early started repeating it’s “I’m full” chant a year ago, which was around the time I first suspected my girlfriend of seeing someone else.

The day it arrived started like all weekdays, she left me alone in the apartment where I work.  I review TV news programs.  All day I watch CNN, MSNBC, etc.  I watch them and review the stories, post them on my website, alongside the google ads that pay me .00000001 cents for every click.

My reviews are short and give people information on how accurate news stories may or may not be, how interesting they are to me, how informative, how much energy each anchor has on that particular day, do they seem nervous, do they seem like they are hiding something.  (It is my belief that one day all news anchors are going to be act slightly different as they tell us about the latest big news story.  On that day they are going to all be a little nervous, small sweats, nervous flickering of the eyes, impatient tapping of their feet reverberating though their bodies.  The tells a person gives away when they are lying).  I do a service that no one else does, I’m a TV news reviewer.  Funnily enough, my life was void of stories worth sharing until the pyramid appeared in my apartment.

When I walked out of the shower that late morning, drying my hair with a towel as I walked to turn on the news I almost tripped right into it.   (Maybe I did trip into it and just didn’t get swallowed up.) My towel dropped to the floor as I became mesmerized with the pyramid the size of a microwave inches from my face. When I stared into the blackness I didn’t think of Early who needed his wings cliped this week.

The pyramid was a black hole in my apartment.  The square base was parallel to the floor, hovering 5 feet over my living room rug. The tip of the pyramid was two feet above the base, right under my eye line.  It didn’t smell, it made no noise.  I shouted into it and it didn’t echo. I walked around it, surveying and inspecting. I waved my hands over the tip, around and under it.  Nothing was holding it up or was attached to it.  I reached out to touch it, my hand shaking and heart racing. I couldn’t go through with it, I couldn’t touch it.  I breathed on it, or actually what seemed like into it.  My breath went right into it.  What was this thing?

Self Experiment in Time: The Selfish Zone

20 Aug

I’ve been told I’m many things.  This one really struck me as it wasn’t really about me, but about where I am with relationships.  I give, I care for others, I know I’m not selfish, but is there a truth in it that keeps me from having a meaningful relationship with a woman?

Someone told me I was in a selfish zone.  This was explained to me as: all my time was focused on me, and that I didn’t share it with others and that is why I’m single, or most likely one of many reasons. I didn’t give enough of my time to the pursuit of social happiness which leads to socially finding a mate. I just don’t have meaningful time not worrying about what I’m doing and what I am doing next.  This is surviving in civilized/corporate world.

If time is my relationship killing enemy then I will need to find more of it.  24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, 100 years in a life (if you are lucky enough to have avoided swimming with sharks).

I can’t add any time to any day in my life, so let us analyze how I use the time given to me. Work and sleep take probably 95% of Monday through Friday.  Sleep, Movies/TV/Videogames, Drinking, Sunning, Eating take up 95% of Saturday through Sunday.  I am already easily missing Museums, Shopping (both clothes and grocery), Reading which should comprise of a good portion of my time.

In reality what was my day like…

Work Day:

Midnight – 7AM – Sleeping, Wakeup, Peeing, Water, Tossing, Turning, Sleeping

7AM – 9AM – Wake Up, Get out of bed, Running/Sleeping-more/TV, Shower, Dress, Sit in Car

9:30AM – 1PM – Work, Make Calls, Take Notes, Sell, Service, Try Not To Suck, Work

1PM – Lunch: 60% Personal (75% clearing my head, 25% social) 40% Work

2:30PM – 8PM: Work, Bathroom, Meeting, Calls, Almost Done Trying not to Suck, Work

8:30PM – 10PM: 50% Work Drinks, 25% Exercise, 25% Depressurize at home, alone.

11:00PM – 11:30PM: Brush Teeth, Bathroom Finale, Night Guard (stress), Mask, Fans, Bed

11:30PM – next day: Sleeping, Wakeup, Peeing, Water, Tossing, Turning, Sleeping

That was exhausting!  I’ll break down what kind of “free hours” I have in my work week, or maybe someone reading can do that.  please


Lets see what it is like this weekend.  Though it can vary it is really what this weekend will be. Sleeping, Watching TV/Movies, Eating.  I’m thinking 70% of my time. We shall see. (Cold Fire it isn’t)